While conducting an image search for Steven Seagal’s ponytail (I am very busy and have lots of responsibilities), I ran across this shot from Seagal’s 1990 masterpiece, Hard to Kill. Since finding this picture and giving it a tab in Firefox, I can’t stop myself from looking at it every three or four minutes. Currently, and this poll is very fluid, it sits atop the group of my favorite pictures on the Internet.
But before I get into what makes this picture so great, a little back story for those of you who have made your lives worse by not having seen Hard to Kill. Basically, Seagal is an LAPD detective who videotapes a senator involved in some sort of corruption at a meeting. Seagal (Mason Storm in the movie) is spotted and he gets away, but a few minutes later in the movie corrupt cops, on the senator’s orders, come into his house and murder his wife and shoot him, leaving him in a coma.
Of course, the bad guys assume Seagal is dead, but he’s alive and remains in a coma for seven years, as the type on the picture says. Soon after, he wakes up and goes about taking revenge on the senator. Spoiler: Many, many bad guys die.
So that’s what’s going on with the picture and now we can get to why it is the best, presented in dash points because judging when to start a new paragraph is too taxing.
-Seagal is pretty much doing a perfect impression of a Kodiak bear. He’s sleeping so peacefully, looking very gentle and safe, but the second he wakes up, <BEAR ROAR>, you just lost your left arm and one of your legs is next.
-The director/producers wanted to really drive home that Seagal has been in a coma for seven years, so they said, “Hey, we’ll have him grow his hair long and give him a Moses beard.” And so they did, except on the side of his face. NO BUSHY BEARD THERE because lady visitors need something smooth to caress when weeping over an unresponsive Seagal. It’s possible this was a Seagal request after exploring the space of his character.
-If I ever end up in a coma for seven years, I’d appreciate it if a barber is called every few months or so. I’d like to look a little put together when people come to visit.
-Despite being fed through a tube for seven years, Seagal has maintained his body weight remarkably well. Must have been all the high fat liquid bags. And his coloring, despite not being exposed to natural light for seven years, looks pretty healthy.
-The nurses in charge of caring for Seagal decided at some point that fooling with a hospital gown no longer made sense. I mean, he won’t know if he’s dressed, right? It’ll make it way easier when we have to bathe him. Again, this could have been a Seagal request so he could have a legitimate excuse to go shirtless for a day on the set.
-As the type in the picture says, Seagal is in the L.A. Coma Center. Not the hospital, which would have worked fine and been totally believable, but specifically the Coma Center. This implies that comas are such a serious problem in Los Angeles and coma care in Los Angeles hospitals is so poor that the city built an ENTIRE CENTER for the treatment and care of coma patients. If the city of Los Angeles needed to build a special treatment center for anything, it would be for all the people Seagal is about to put in the hospital or morgue once he gets his strength back, which takes about four minutes after he wakes up from a seven-year coma.
Anyway, like I said, it’s the best picture of Steven Seagal to ever exist.