Say Hello To Miguel Sanchez!

The Five Keys To A Successful Semester In School

I haven’t written here in, let’s see (checking…checking…checking) - WELL THEN - over a year. But I’m setting out to change that because I have a lot* of unimportant things that need to get out there that very few people probably won’t read.

Hopefully, I’ll be throwing something up against the wall here more often, or at least until I get really lazy again. Though, it’s not so much being lazy as it is me preferring to spend my time doing whatever it is I do when I’m wasting time.

*very few

For my triumphant return to vomiting nonsense into this space, I’ve decided to do a bit of a public service for all the kids out there, as you could guess from the title you read a minute or so ago. I know school started some weeks back, but it’s never too late to make adjustments to your life for the better. 

I meant to do this to coincide with the start of the school year, but I lost track of when that actually started because I work and there is no on/off cycle in work. There is only work when it is hot, work when it is not as hot, work when it is cold, and work when it is not as cold.

Oh, there are vacation days, which are nice, but then there are the days when you get back from vacation that are all about encouraging you to NEVER take vacation days again. However, unlike school, you do receive money for showing up and convincing everyone you know what you’re doing, even though you (and everyone else) are making it up as you go along.

But enough about the next 45 years of your life after you finish school. What can I offer you now that can make this semester, and all future semesters, better for you?

BEHOLD, the five keys to a successful semester that I have developed through experience and correcting stupid behavior.

1. Do not listen to Coldplay
Look, there’s no way around this one without being brutally honest. Coldplay is terrible. I mean, just terrible.

In fact, some wise person once wrote a “worst albums of ever” list that was heavily dominated by Coldplay. Pretty solid case they made there if you ask me.

People are gonna try to convince you Coldplay is worth listening to, but those people are FOOLS. Well, fools may be a bit strong, so perhaps something like HORRIBLY MISGUIDED is more appropriate.

Once upon a time, I fell into the trap laid by these people and listened to Coldplay. Only by the grace of God was I able to escape that audio prison in a short amount of time.

Be good to yourself and don’t make the same mistake I made.

2. Do not watch CBS sitcoms
Sitcoms in general are pretty iffy, but CBS is the Coldplay of sitcoms. It’s important - SWEET MERCY - just realized that the perfect storm of all things horrible would not be a hurricane, nor’easter, and New England accents from George Clooney and Mark Wahlberg (such an up-to-date reference!), but a CBS sitcom that weaves Coldplay into its theme song.

I need to go lie down.

3. Avoid math at all costs
It’s useless. Let me list all the times after I finished school that I have used post-fifth grade math I was forced to learn:

0 x 0 = 0

But what about those who are majoring in math (WHY WHY WHY), accounting, engineering, or whatever else claims you need math? The way I see it, you have two choices:

-Get out
-Figure a way around it

The second option is certainly the more difficult path, but college students, with GALLONS AND GALLONS of free time, are innovative people.

4. Take naps
This can’t be stressed enough. Naps are the lifeblood to being able to function with any degree of efficiency.

One day, you won’t be able to take naps when you please because The Man will call the shots and he’ll just laugh and say, “WORK”.

5. Always enter a room like this:

Probably the most important of the five keys.

Of course, there are many other things that could help improve your semester, but these are the essentials. Follow them, and you’ll experience a semester that is happier, healthier, and, most importantly, filled with the ability to freak people out when you enter a room.

The Ninja Turtles Of Michael Bay

Because keeping up with things can be somewhat of a pain in the butt, you may have missed the announcement earlier this year that Micheal Bay will be producing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles reboot.  While some people (FILM FANCY PANTS AND DANDIES) are upset that Bay now has his hands of BOOM in the old franchise, I am not one of those people.

Mostly because we’re now assured of overly dramatic scenes and speeches, those shots where the camera spins around a character and is looking up at their face from the waist (probably an American flag and a sunset of pink, orange, and purple sky behind them), and, of course, MASSIVE EXPLOSIONS caused by bombs and weapons of all types.  In other words, the type of movie that will run on FX/Spike/TNT/USA for years to come and I will watch just about every time it’s on one of those channels.

I mean, I’d be satisfied if they just reshot The Rock or Bad Boys with the Ninja Turtles as all the characters.  But, because people wouldn’t appreciate it like they should (TASTE SNOBS), Bay and friends will take a more conventional approach. 

However, we can be certain that Bay will be updating the Ninja Turtles’ weapons because the old weapons, katanas, sais, bo, and two nunchaku, don’t create instant explosions.  Sure, they can cause explosions when a bad guy wires explosives to drums of gasoline that only need a trigger to set off fire way high in the sky, but the weapons require legwork by a second party to get a Michael Bay Explosion®©™. 

So, based on seeing The Rock, Armageddon, Bad Boys, and Bad Boys II roughly 741 times combined, here’s a rough interpretation of what the new weapons should look like when the movie is released.

Click to embiggen

Important Sea Otter/Otter Information

Everyone knows that sea otter and otters (I’m not a scientist or willing to Google the difference so these could be the same thing) are the best.  Whether they’re dunking basketballs or stacking cups twice as fast as any normal person could, they bring an inordinate amount of fuzzy joy all over with their faces and general existence.

And either they’re super smart or we have very low expectations for what they can and can’t do, but based on the video links above and the one you’re about to see, you can train them to do just about anything.  Which is good news for when I become disgustingly rich, because you better believe I’m buying up as many sea otters/otters as the law will allow and hiring a trainer to teach them to work as my staff of servants (NO EYE CONTACT; OH NEVER MIND, I CAN’T NOT LOOK AT THAT FACE AND THE SQUEAKS OH THE PRECIOUS SQUEAKS) and get me things on my floating island house.

Also, the music that plays during and after is FANTASTIC.

Tobias Funke Don’t Bluff

Thanks to the people pulling the levers in the Arrested Development machine, the Tobias Fünke business was unleashed on the internet for the greater good of mankind.  Though there will be many of these creations everywhere, I doubt many will focus on a place that don’t bluff.

Tobias certainly doesn’t bluff

Hanging out and taking pictures with good friends Al Kapone and Hustle & Flow director Craig Brewer

Bein’ all like, “WHOOP THAT TRICK”