I haven’t written here in, let’s see (checking…checking…checking) - WELL THEN - over a year. But I’m setting out to change that because I have a lot* of unimportant things that need to get out there that very few people probably won’t read.
Hopefully, I’ll be throwing something up against the wall here more often, or at least until I get really lazy again. Though, it’s not so much being lazy as it is me preferring to spend my time doing whatever it is I do when I’m wasting time.
For my triumphant return to vomiting nonsense into this space, I’ve decided to do a bit of a public service for all the kids out there, as you could guess from the title you read a minute or so ago. I know school started some weeks back, but it’s never too late to make adjustments to your life for the better.
I meant to do this to coincide with the start of the school year, but I lost track of when that actually started because I work and there is no on/off cycle in work. There is only work when it is hot, work when it is not as hot, work when it is cold, and work when it is not as cold.
Oh, there are vacation days, which are nice, but then there are the days when you get back from vacation that are all about encouraging you to NEVER take vacation days again. However, unlike school, you do receive money for showing up and convincing everyone you know what you’re doing, even though you (and everyone else) are making it up as you go along.
But enough about the next 45 years of your life after you finish school. What can I offer you now that can make this semester, and all future semesters, better for you?
BEHOLD, the five keys to a successful semester that I have developed through experience and correcting stupid behavior.
1. Do not listen to Coldplay
Look, there’s no way around this one without being brutally honest. Coldplay is terrible. I mean, just terrible.
In fact, some wise person once wrote a “worst albums of ever” list that was heavily dominated by Coldplay. Pretty solid case they made there if you ask me.
People are gonna try to convince you Coldplay is worth listening to, but those people are FOOLS. Well, fools may be a bit strong, so perhaps something like HORRIBLY MISGUIDED is more appropriate.
Once upon a time, I fell into the trap laid by these people and listened to Coldplay. Only by the grace of God was I able to escape that audio prison in a short amount of time.
Be good to yourself and don’t make the same mistake I made.
2. Do not watch CBS sitcoms
Sitcoms in general are pretty iffy, but CBS is the Coldplay of sitcoms. It’s important - SWEET MERCY - just realized that the perfect storm of all things horrible would not be a hurricane, nor’easter, and New England accents from George Clooney and Mark Wahlberg (such an up-to-date reference!), but a CBS sitcom that weaves Coldplay into its theme song.
I need to go lie down.
3. Avoid math at all costs
It’s useless. Let me list all the times after I finished school that I have used post-fifth grade math I was forced to learn:
0 x 0 = 0
But what about those who are majoring in math (WHY WHY WHY), accounting, engineering, or whatever else claims you need math? The way I see it, you have two choices:
-Figure a way around it
The second option is certainly the more difficult path, but college students, with GALLONS AND GALLONS of free time, are innovative people.
4. Take naps
This can’t be stressed enough. Naps are the lifeblood to being able to function with any degree of efficiency.
One day, you won’t be able to take naps when you please because The Man will call the shots and he’ll just laugh and say, “WORK”.
5. Always enter a room like this:
Probably the most important of the five keys.
Of course, there are many other things that could help improve your semester, but these are the essentials. Follow them, and you’ll experience a semester that is happier, healthier, and, most importantly, filled with the ability to freak people out when you enter a room.