Because keeping up with things can be somewhat of a pain in the butt, you may have missed the announcement earlier this year that Micheal Bay will be producing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles reboot. While some people (FILM FANCY PANTS AND DANDIES) are upset that Bay now has his hands of BOOM in the old franchise, I am not one of those people.
Mostly because we’re now assured of overly dramatic scenes and speeches, those shots where the camera spins around a character and is looking up at their face from the waist (probably an American flag and a sunset of pink, orange, and purple sky behind them), and, of course, MASSIVE EXPLOSIONS caused by bombs and weapons of all types. In other words, the type of movie that will run on FX/Spike/TNT/USA for years to come and I will watch just about every time it’s on one of those channels.
I mean, I’d be satisfied if they just reshot The Rock or Bad Boys with the Ninja Turtles as all the characters. But, because people wouldn’t appreciate it like they should (TASTE SNOBS), Bay and friends will take a more conventional approach.
However, we can be certain that Bay will be updating the Ninja Turtles’ weapons because the old weapons, katanas, sais, bo, and two nunchaku, don’t create instant explosions. Sure, they can cause explosions when a bad guy wires explosives to drums of gasoline that only need a trigger to set off fire way high in the sky, but the weapons require legwork by a second party to get a Michael Bay Explosion®©™.
So, based on seeing The Rock, Armageddon, Bad Boys, and Bad Boys II roughly 741 times combined, here’s a rough interpretation of what the new weapons should look like when the movie is released.
Click to embiggen