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The Ninja Turtles Of Michael Bay

Because keeping up with things can be somewhat of a pain in the butt, you may have missed the announcement earlier this year that Micheal Bay will be producing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles reboot.  While some people (FILM FANCY PANTS AND DANDIES) are upset that Bay now has his hands of BOOM in the old franchise, I am not one of those people.

Mostly because we’re now assured of overly dramatic scenes and speeches, those shots where the camera spins around a character and is looking up at their face from the waist (probably an American flag and a sunset of pink, orange, and purple sky behind them), and, of course, MASSIVE EXPLOSIONS caused by bombs and weapons of all types.  In other words, the type of movie that will run on FX/Spike/TNT/USA for years to come and I will watch just about every time it’s on one of those channels.

I mean, I’d be satisfied if they just reshot The Rock or Bad Boys with the Ninja Turtles as all the characters.  But, because people wouldn’t appreciate it like they should (TASTE SNOBS), Bay and friends will take a more conventional approach. 

However, we can be certain that Bay will be updating the Ninja Turtles’ weapons because the old weapons, katanas, sais, bo, and two nunchaku, don’t create instant explosions.  Sure, they can cause explosions when a bad guy wires explosives to drums of gasoline that only need a trigger to set off fire way high in the sky, but the weapons require legwork by a second party to get a Michael Bay Explosion®©™. 

So, based on seeing The Rock, Armageddon, Bad Boys, and Bad Boys II roughly 741 times combined, here’s a rough interpretation of what the new weapons should look like when the movie is released.

Click to embiggen

Important Sea Otter/Otter Information

Everyone knows that sea otter and otters (I’m not a scientist or willing to Google the difference so these could be the same thing) are the best.  Whether they’re dunking basketballs or stacking cups twice as fast as any normal person could, they bring an inordinate amount of fuzzy joy all over with their faces and general existence.

And either they’re super smart or we have very low expectations for what they can and can’t do, but based on the video links above and the one you’re about to see, you can train them to do just about anything.  Which is good news for when I become disgustingly rich, because you better believe I’m buying up as many sea otters/otters as the law will allow and hiring a trainer to teach them to work as my staff of servants (NO EYE CONTACT; OH NEVER MIND, I CAN’T NOT LOOK AT THAT FACE AND THE SQUEAKS OH THE PRECIOUS SQUEAKS) and get me things on my floating island house.

Also, the music that plays during and after is FANTASTIC.

Tobias Funke Don’t Bluff

Thanks to the people pulling the levers in the Arrested Development machine, the Tobias Fünke business was unleashed on the internet for the greater good of mankind.  Though there will be many of these creations everywhere, I doubt many will focus on a place that don’t bluff.

Tobias certainly doesn’t bluff

Hanging out and taking pictures with good friends Al Kapone and Hustle & Flow director Craig Brewer

Bein’ all like, “WHOOP THAT TRICK”


Early 1900s grindin’.

Marc Gasol off-day grindin’.